amazing how
you see everything so much differently when you’re no longer in love with it. studies show that our emotions shape our perception of reality. the way you feel about something affects how you see it. isn’t that out of this world? imagine someone you used to love and how they made you feel. remember how you used to view them. their faces don’t even look the same. they’re different. you’re different. thank god.
at certain points in my life, i can see how i compromised personal values just to fit in or feel more “comfortable”. i hate alcohol. i dont like how i act on it, how i feel after, nothing. just a sloppy excuse to open myself up because i could never figure out how soberly. i don’t like people who use it as a crutch for their crap behavior either. people who use drugs to cope with life are weak. i feel no sympathy for them or anyone suffering from addiction to be honest. why such strong views toward something that doesn’t effect me? well, for a very long time..and even a little more - it very much did. for so long, my mom chose the bottle over me. going out, forgetting she had a little girl. my sisters were grown by the time i had to endure my mother’s addict antics. a lot of extremists want to call addiction a disease. name me one other fucking disease where the person willingly picks it up, sells their loved one’s stuff for it, and is willing to throw their life away for it? you choose that shit? you’re weak. i dealt with that for so long i thought it was normal to have relationships where someone’s narcissistic behavior scares you into loving them - alcohol and all. im 25 and finally seeing how knowing that as “normal” attracted more people like that to me. i’m all about loving people, imperfections too - but if somebody comes in and forces you to compromise who are to make themselves feel better about what they choose to do, fucking dip! you don’t have to stay! that aint love, it aint real, and it aint for you!!!!!! and they’re going to try to tell you you’re mean, you’re worthless, and selfish. whatever you do, tune it out. block their numbers, their social media. block them. they will drag you ‘till you have nothing left, because they require parts of you to make them whole. absolutely 100% fuck my mom and fuck you, hillary - you narcissistic egotistical garbage cans.
it seemed real to me that the bad side always won, and persisted with or without my will to oppress it. how could it be that everything i tried to evade simply came seeping in regardless of what i did or said? after 25 years, the light came on. control of life’s curve balls and nearly haunted house surprises was something i was never going to hold grip of. control is this grotesque sense of “security” we have. this year showed me, like a cheap cubic zirconia, that the facets of security are a huge illusion. nothing you own, think, do or say is off limits from the grabby hands of takers, energy thieves, and and ultimately, life. without control, you can only react or respond. i think reacting is foolish at this point. what purpose does it serve? and while sometimes i still want to revert to reacting with bitter, angry, and what i know to be TRUE justifiable emotions - i am learning how to respond with my heart instead. taking responsibility for my feelings and owning them, not projecting them on to other people, will eventually attract more of the right circumstances and friends into my life. even though i cant make things look how i romanticize them in my head, i can take responsibility for the fucked up ways they present themselves and do better. take responsibility for the avenues people use to make me feel less loved and barricade them. i for a time thought “protecting” myself and being “vulnerable” could never be synonymous, but it can. to be open, but use the blessing of this third eye to identify rather than recklessly welcome in darkness, hatred, and poor excuses for “integrity”. the art of letting go teaches me how to hold on to all that is really good.
Life stripped me and I’m still naked.
Vulnerable and stupid looking.
Have I been through enough?
Clearly not.
The effect of life in society is to complicate and confuse our existence, making us forget who we really are by causing us to become obsessed with what we are not.
Just because it was done to you doesn’t mean you should do it to others.
Don’t act to perpetuate a system that you’d rather see dismantled.
Let the hate, confusion, pain, and suffering end with you.
